Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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