So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
