My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
