I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
