this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
