last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
