I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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