he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
