wrigley field is MILF paradise
I need help removing her.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
