the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I could make wine with my vomit
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
