hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
