I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
