I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
