I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
