my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
