the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
