woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
