he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
