So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
