his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
