Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
