My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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