And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
