so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
