i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
