never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
