this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
