You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
oh god was she eating orange peels again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
