I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
