Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
