I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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