I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
