Your face is a jimmy john
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
