I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
