I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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