If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
