I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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