he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
