Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
