FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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