shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
