I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
