I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
