I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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