All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
