Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
