apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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