i think my mom watched the whole time
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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