God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
