The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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